The basics...... Freaky Friday the 13th 2023

Hello, my name is Nathan, and this is what i can best describe as my brain, on paper (digitally, heh.) There will be no format, no specific goal, no perfect grammar, sometimes no reason, and no filter. If you are curious about what i think about, analyze, dream about, wonder of, logically deduce, feel, learn, reject, accept, mentally explore, or any other ramblings inside my head, read on.

A little about me, i am a 41 year old guy living in the southern USA (not terribly proud of that). I call myself a walking computer, and most people i know agree with that assessment. I have been told many times over the years that i have a very unique way of looking at things and the world. It has always felt that way, and I've never met anyone who operates and thinks quite like i do. There is no good or bad about it, or right or wrong, its just different. I tend to be quiet at first in a social situation at first, unless someone hits the right subject, at which point I have a hard time shutting up for lack of a better description. I am aware that a lot of the ponderings and thought processes i entertain on a daily basis can be either mundane or overwhelming to other people, but i have a love of describing things, so i figured i can just spill it all out right here, however i want to, whenever i want to, and anyone with a curiosity can have a read. I hope to eventually (in years probably) capture the majority of what's in this brainpan of mine, if for no reason other than i want to, and i very much enjoy being able to go and look at things from a different perspective from time to time.

I am incredibly analytical. Sometimes its a gift, other times a curse. I have no formal college education, but have tutored many people in college classes. It is my opinion that book knowledge is very important, but only as useful as one's abilities to wield it skillfully in the practical world we live in. You can memorize a manual on how to rebuild an engine, but its worthless if you don't know how to read a micrometer, or any other equally significant saying.

I have an incurable thirst for information, and to know how things work, and i mean anything. Machines, computers, people, biological systems, neurological systems, astrophysics, quantum physics, etc. You will find many ramblings on these and many many other subjects scattered all over the place here. They may be right, they may be totally and abhorrently wrong. They might be speculation on things humanity hasn't fully understood yet (a favorite hobby of mine, feel free to contribute if i can get the chat/message thing to work). My daughter (I have 3 kids, 15,13, and 8) told me one day that i should start a podcast after she listened to me ramble for 2 hours about a debate topic for school she wanted my opinion on: Has the advent of the digital world helped or harmed human communication. I will probably do that at some point, owing to the amount of driving i do for my employment, and the ability to record podcasts while cruising down the highway, and the unfortunate fact that the number of people willing to read extensive dialogs is decreasing rapidly. On a side note, i will be setting up speech to text to write a lot of this, because i'm not a huge fan of typing for hours on end.

Ok, enough of that, moving forward...

I lost my mother on November 23rd 2022. It was somewhat unexpected, but not out of the realm of possible events at the time, considering that in May she nearly passed and at that point in time, we (my sisters and I) discovered she had lung cancer. I am the oldest of 5 children my mother had, and in recent years, have also been the most distant. (More on that later). She had a couple of lifelong friends that had been basically taking care of her on a mostly daily basis, and it was understood that when she did pass, they would be taking care of everything. When i was notified of her passing by my sister, my girlfriend and I were smack in the middle of Thanksgiving preparations. I was upset, but decided that to make sure Thanksgiving still happened for everyone else at home, i would shelve the emotions for a while so i could get things done. 2 hours later, i got a call from one of her lifelong friends, who told me that due to executing the incorrect power of attorney, they no longer had any say or control in my mother's affairs, and that i would have to assume that role, immediately. My brain went nuts. I had never lost someone as close as my mother, and certainly had never had anything to do with making arrangements before. Cue about 1.5 million questions in my head at the same time, along with about 500 potential solutions, and probably 10 potential mental breakdowns. Fortunately, my mom's friend and my uncle both gave me the first 3 steps that i had to take that day, some resources to read on what all has to happen, and then i was suddenly very thankful that the holiday gave me 24 hours to mentally organize and prepare myself for a journey i would inevitably be COMPLETELY UNPREPARED FOR. It took me a month and 5 days to bury her. I told myself that i would wait until i made sure she was taken care of to start letting the emotional trauma out and attempting to process any of it. It was definitely a wise decision. I knew it was going to hurt, a lot. Thing is, is that normally i can wield a great deal of control and understanding of my emotional response to things. This doesn't mean that i'm not human, i very much am and emotions do get away from me from time to time just like everyone else. I means that i am very good at tying an emotional experience to the reasons why, and understanding and accepting them. Its been a long, hard fought battle to learn how to do that, and i still screw it up and misunderstand things all the time. I'm not sure anyone else can quantify emotions in that manner, I've never heard of anyone rationalizing things as much as i do. I thought i could do that in bits and pieces with this loss and grief....i needed to do that, i wasn't going to have time to shut down my responsibilities and have a mental crisis, i had work and bills and a family to take care of. I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG. My walls shattered on Jan 3rd. Completely shattered...i was fractured, broken, lost. logic stopped. My brain shut down. I cried for 6 hours nonstop. There was no controlling this.....pain, grief, loss, sadness. It was the most overwhelming emotional experience i have ever had in my entire life. I was sexually abused at gunpoint when i was 11 years old and that emotional trauma was microscopic compared to this. For the first time in my life there was no dialog in my head, there was no wording it out mentally....there was just complete and total overwhelming grief. I've always considered myself to be a very mentally sound and stable person. Never been on anti depressants, only saw a therapist once in my life. I came extremely close to checking myself in somewhere for a week. Over the next couple of days, some people that i hold very dear came to my aid, and helped me start down a road i had never been on, or even knew existed in my head until now. That was 10 days ago. I have learned so much in that time. I learned that this grief will never go away entirely. There will be moments for the rest of my life that remind me of that grief. Songs, pictures, smells, places, conversations, random thoughts and memories. That sudden pang of sadness and the tears that follow uncontrollably. She gave me life. I exist because of her. I owe my entire being to her. I have regrets...things i have to learn to live with that i wish i had done differently. I had been very distant for a few years because of a couple of disagreements between us and my ex wife over my children visiting my mother. Last year i had started mending that fence. I invited her over for thanksgiving dinner with a text because it was late the night before she passed. I found out later that it was the last thing anyone had tried to say to her, and she never got the chance to read the message. I have to live with that. I have to learn to be ok with that. One cannot change the past. If i let this regret hang around, nothing good will become of it. My answer was that i would do whatever it took to take care of her and honor her memory, and i did exactly that. It was HARD. i could have never done this alone. My fiance has been my rock, my support, my everything i could ever ask for, and i am indescribably grateful every day. I put her through hell during all of this, and she has never and will never waver from my side, my heart, and my soul. The love she gives me every day is the most powerful and uplifting force i have ever been given, and i cherish it.

Off to work....i really like this. I've never been able to write like this before. It feels really helpful.